trying to escape from reality too

thoughts in writing

2009-01-21T07:04:00.000-08:00

thoughts have to be written... at least for me they have to. why? because there are times they keep on bothering me. they have to be written for me to see a clearer view of what's really going on in my head. i get relieved. it's the only time i let go of them and reflect when i get the chance to read them again. It gives a bigger space for more things to ponder.

being still

2009-01-21T06:37:00.000-08:00

there are times that i want to keep still just to think or to regain my composure but i now, i just want to stay busy as ever.

have been very busy since the start of the year because of this very important activity and i'm thankful that it has been doing good. what i'm trying to avoid now is to be still again and feel the withdrawal of all those busyness.

frankly, i don't want to stay still because i don't want to feel this certain negative feeling of loneliness.... maybe it's not loneliness... maybe there's another word of that exact thing i feel when i'm not busy.

heck! i'll just think of it when i'm done with what i'm doing now.

voices that care

2009-01-05T06:01:00.000-08:00

My friends and I were reminiscing about our childhood years when we realized we had so many memories to talk and laugh about.

One of the incidents we remembered was way back in 6th grade, our adviser's father went missing. Of course it became the most urgent matter our teacher had to attend to even if he had an obligation with us. One of his obligation was to train us for the yearly chorale singing contest which was actually an interclass contest. Idealistic and very caring that were us, we opted to practice without him. We trained ourselves without any supervision of another teacher and went to the battle not knowing if we were indeed good enough or not.

The point was that we never backed our from it. We were up to the fight and we were not to disappoint anyone even ourselves.

We couldn't remember if we won but we know we made our adviser proud. What's more interesting was that we sang a very good song. It was VOICES THAT CARE.

Quite incidental, huh? It is a very good song.

Here, let me post the lyrics:

Lonely fear lights up the sky,
Can't help but wonder why
You're so far away.
There, you had to take a stand
In someone else's land,
Life can be so strange.
I wish we never had to choose,
To either win or lose,
That we could find a way...
But I won't turn my back again,
Your honor I'll defend
So hurry home, and 'til then...
Chorus:
Stand tall; Stand proud!
Voices that care are crying out loud.
And when you close your eyes tonight,
Feel in your heart how our love burns bright.
I'm not here to justify the cause.
Or to count up all the loss...
That's all been done before.
I just can't let you feel alone.
When there's so much love at home
We're sending out to you.
All the courage that you've known
The bravey you've shown,
Clearly lights the way.
We pray! To make the future bright,
To make the wrong things right,
Right or wrong, we're all praying you remain strong
That's why we're all here and singing along.
(repear chorus)
You are the voice
You are the light
(repeat chorus twice)

new things

2009-01-04T21:06:00.000-08:00

Are you the type who would try new things frequently? I am like that. I have this broad interest on so many things but my problems are, first, it's always hard for me to start and, second, i'm terribly shy and conscious. there's a third. When it's really not time for me to do it, i can't do it no matter how hard i try.

I am saying this because I suddenly found myself at the kitchen cooking and baking. I used to tho these things. I hate going to the market to buy the ingredients, measuring and preparing everything and cooking. The worse part is dish washing.

That's the reason why I can't blame my cousins when they say I am the granddaughter of a very good cook yet I am hopeless in that case.

What they didn't know is that it was not the right time yet. I got frustrated all the time when I can't get things done the first time. So when i cooked before and it was not good, that was enough for me to say that cooking is not for me. But now, I have the patience, the resources, time and willingness, everything seems to go on smoothly and deliciously.

So what did i produce today? I baked oatmeal cookies.

I'm just waiting for my brother to arrive so that I can take a picture of it and paste it here. Well, hopefully, he won't get into it first before I take the picture.

privileges

2009-01-04T05:22:00.000-08:00

I often get annoyed for being misunderstood about so many things I can't do about. Not that I am not grateful for what I am or what I have but sometimes it gets into my nerve for being blamed of something I haven't done anything.

Some friends and acquaintances always make my being "privileged" as an excuse. When they fail a certain licensure exam, I will be blamed for having a maid at home to assist me with housework. The implication is that is supposedly the reason why I passed the exam. (go figure!) When I submitted a substantial amount of work with expectations surpassed, I was told to be lucky for being a graduate of a good elementary and high school. If i get things done, they always think that someone from my family had done something to make it work.

I used to whine about being "blamed" for these things but when I told my mother about it, she laughed out loud and told me to be thankful despite of the sourgrapings I get from them.

For all the things that I am and my environment, it is because it is my privilege. It is like a gift given with special rights. She told me that even before I was born, it is already there and I can't do anything about that. That's why it is a gift.

I have stopped complaining whenever i hear similar lame rationalizations from everyone because I realized I have nothing to be guilty about. It is indeed a gift and gifts are given however the giver wants. It is beyond my control.

shift

2008-11-06T16:18:00.000-08:00

I guess I will be telling stories starting now... stories about my journey as a person. It was not supposed to be this way when I decided to have this blog. But when I have no more outlet to spare myself from so much pain, I needed to have an avenue to, at least, relieve me from all the stresses... for my own sake.

My boyfriend of 9 years had asked for space. We're already continents away and he asked for space 2 weeks ago. I am really hurting so bad now, especially now, that it's his birthday.

I can't actually organize my thoughts to share how everything begun for both of us. It's all chaotic... full of bitter sweet thoughts.. the tugging of love and pain... of hate and apathy... I wish I'm in a better state to at least give each one of us the happiness that we both deserve.

I once heard that the most tragic thing to happen to a person is to be dead even if alive. Sadly, that's how I feel now.

dating a celebrity, part 1

2008-09-12T06:23:00.000-07:00

believe me... no matter how civil i am in so many circumstances, i still get jumpy about hearing my favorite celebrity. the weirdest thing is that i don't know the movies he starred in, songs he sang and the television series he joined. all i know is that he's good looking, projects a very wholesome but sexy image and, well, lives a very quiet and honorable life. yes, honorable.

let me escape from reality first. if there is no thick wall that separates us from each other, how will i ever react when i, for instance, win that contest in having to date him? i know i will be speechless, be in complete awe and maybe blush from head to toe. oh my! i will definitely bring the past when i turn red, with head down and a smile that can't be stopped from appearing which i always did way back in high school. i know that this head of mine will go blank and will always agree with whatever he will be talking to me about. i go stupid sometimes, you know. sometimes my heart takes over my head even if aggghhhh! i can't even explain what or how i will react just sitting in front of him while my head's content are rushing through and through with what can actually happen. my hands can't catch up!

haaayyy.... it's not only me dreaming to win that contest. i know that it is a fact. but well, dreaming is free.... hmmm... maybe i'll blog about my ideal date with my favorite celebrity on my next entry. hmmmm.... that, i will do!

love

2008-09-11T06:22:00.000-07:00

what does love have to do with everything?

just a question.

believe

2008-09-10T05:54:00.000-07:00

how far can believing really go? this made me think because just a moment ago i received some news about how something in a odd but positive way happen... one that can really pull up the self esteem of that friend and give a small place for him to have a peak of the future. even it's a little steep but there is small door that can let hope sink in and dwell within him.

things do happen even if we don't want them to happen. they are oftentimes the situation wherein we have no 100% control. when they don't take place the way them to be, they give us a whole lot of meaning of frustration and depression. we might be running in a fast phase in our lives but hurdles are inevitable. from time to time we experience pain but pain heals, otherwise, we die.

by this, believing can really play a big role. it separates us from darknes and from our own misery. it gives us the disposition of having joy despite of the unwelcomed disturbances. it's like a light guiding us out of the tunnel of darkness.

there is no struggle in believing. only calmness. even at the time of uncertainty, you get to live your life to the fullest because problems pass by without taking too much control of you. instead, you control the problem. you get to breathe without having to be trampled and pinned down and held hostage by the situation.

so how to believe? talk to yourself. i know it might sound weird but instead of listening to that little voice that tells you to give up, talk to yourself and tell yourself to believe. give 25 reasons why you have to believe. from there, you will begin to experience the change.... change for the better.

so don't stop believing even if it seems impossible. believing can bring farther than you can imagine. hold on. believe.

3 things

2008-09-01T22:30:00.000-07:00

if there are three things you want to change in this world, what will it be?

i'm just curious. we may not be living in a perfect world but when you get to realize that, you'll appreciate that imperfections are meant space for improvement. it means you have the venue to actually change something.

so what are the three things you want to change in this world? go on. don't be shy.

doomed?

2008-08-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

In the heights of all the chaos happening now in Mindanao and the frequent airing of bad news one after another in this country, some might think that the Philippines is really bound down to the mud.

I cannot blame who those who think that way because how can you ever ignore the reality? we just can't disregard the fact that a lot of our Mindanaoan brothers and sisters are suffering the ramification of this almost unending war with the Muslim rebels but how do we really end it?Who are really the oppressed ones and are there really valid reasons for this war to necessitate?

Even the rampant hold-ups, kidnapping, carnapping. These things are excessively widespread in the Metro Manila area. Those are three words but are capable of scaring off a lot of potential tourists, investors and even our fellowmen to freely enjoy the place's hidden beauty.

I guess one thing i realized is that the biggest contributor of these negativism is the media itself. I know this will make almost a lot of media people to raise their eyebrows but the way i see it is that they are one of the contributors of putting this country down. They tend to focus on the dirtiest situations so that they will have the first inside scope about what's going on. I am not against freedom of speech but then again try to assess if there are really some worth when you try to relay them.

I do not wish to go on pointing fingers because it wouldn't help. What i want to drive out is that we have so many beautiful beaches and we have 7,100 islands which exudes a lot of agricultural products enough to satisfy the whole nation and can even cater some tourists to enjoy them. Even our culture is very rich. Jump from one island to another and you wil be enamoured by the rainbows of stories. How can one be ever bored with each island's history? There are always legends, chronicles of the past and even the place itself can romance you to its perfection.

The people? Don't you think we are one of the charming beings on earth? We never fail to be enthusiastic about building camaraderie with each other just standing outside of our homes or simply in sari sari stores. Look out and notice how beautiful the smiles are of those who are passing by. See how our children enjoy the gifts of nature... be it simply taking a bath in the rain or playing as cooks using leaves, stones and sticks. Try traveling through the mountains and you'll see people sitting on wooden stairs carefully inspecting their hairs for lice. Don't get it wrong. They may have lice but they are happy, simple people. How about those men considered as "tambays" in any corner? Try talking to them about any ordinary stuff and you'll be surprised how far the conversation will go.

I cannot help but boast about how intelligent and smart we, Filipinos, are. Inspite of the lack of sources, we are still educated and learned. Imagine how it will be like if we have all the access to the newest technology or newest information? I bet we can all surpass all the achievements of the other countries.

Have you heard the songs written by our composers? We are lovers of love, life and we can even dance to the music of our failures opting to even laugh about it. Others might think that we don't take ourselves seriously but will you opt to be miserable about those things or will you choose to be happy inspite of what you are seriously going through? Have you tried listening to ordinary Filipino beings joke? We take life lightly and we don't make suicide an option not like the other races wherein they experience hardships and off they get their guns and kill themselves.

There are so many things to be thankful of which i want to write but won't because of lack of time. What I'm trying to bequeath to you readers are hope and dream. Be thankful that we can still see a lot of things which we can change because that would mean we still have the chance to improve ourselves and further develop this country. We have no reason to be hopeless because there are a lot of space to make things for the better. Hold on to hope and dream. Go on. Dream big for this country and never lose hope. Take action and see the changes with big or small steps.

Being doomed is an option. To those who think that this country is doomed, then you are going nowhere. you are a loser because where else will you go when you see a dead end? But if you choose to have hope, you will always see the light that can lead us to our dreams and aspirations. We will always have the avenue to achieve the greatest if not the best. We will always have our own ideals to lead us where we want ourselves to be as a country. Why would you ever give that up?

So is this country doomed? the answer is a big No.

the cousin

2008-08-28T19:18:00.001-07:00

my mother and i woke up early morning to fetch my cousin at the airport. since she had to bring a lot of her mom's stuff and the airport is too far away from the bus terminal, we offered to fetch her.

i feel for her actually. just this year she and her brother lost 3 important persons in their lives: their 2 grandmothers and her mom. even my mother can't help but cry everytime she thinks about my cousins who can be considered as orphans now. their father died too of a heart attack when they were very young.

what makes me ooze with pride though is the fact that this cousin of mine is really such an optimistic person. despite of a very grim year that she has to endure, she never fails to see the brighter side of everything. she thanks God for keeping her dead dear ones eternally safe and secured.

just hearing her narrate that, i couldn't help but question my own faith because sometimes i can catch myself easily withered down by life's trials. i somehow question God why i had to go through them since he knows i am weak.

anyway, we had breakfast in one of the fastfood chains here in our city which opens 24/7. it was too early to find a restaurant that caters a hefty breakfast and a faster one had to be an option because she was already at the airport as early as 2:30am. and you know what? she was still jolly even at an early time which, if it were me, i could have moved heaven and earth with my irateness for having to wake up too early.

i'm just glad that we get to fetch her. apart from we were able to make her life a little easier, we were able to spend time with her and make her feel that she still has a family that she can count on.

things i want to do

2008-08-19T19:27:00.000-07:00

i am a dreamer and having said that, these are the things i want to accomplish in my whole lifetime.

1. dance flamenco, belly dancing
2. sing
3. join marathons
4. travel to europe and africa
5. write a book

hmmmm... i had a list before but i can't seem to find them. i should find them and write in here... there will be more of this... there should be...

personality tests

2008-08-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

i wanted to figure if i'm a protector, an intellectual, a creator or a visionary. i tried taking the test several times but each test yields different kind of result... am i that chaotic that i can't even get a very concrete answer? hmmmmm.....

the reason why i took the tests is because a friend of mine and i talked about how to deal with people who are quite insensitive or sometimes braggart. sometimes it takes a lot of our energy to really have to figure things out to not actually cause some dispute just because we can't meet halfway. we thought it might be helpful to first find out how WE are as a person. what's really funny about it is that, as i said, my results are all different! does this mean i need to really go to a psychiatrist to figure things out?

maybe i'll just spend this whole day trying to figure things out. here's the link of the website if you want to take yours too. it's fun actually, that is, if you don't get to get pissed off by the different results.

defying gravities of my life

2008-08-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

have you heard the song playing in this blog? the title is defying gravity from the musical wicked and sang by idina menzel.

i chose this song because, at this point of my life, it is very liberating to do the things which i believe are just stuck in my head. i am a dreamer and because of that i have so many wants in life. things are much easier to accomplish if there are avenues which will not hinder reaching them. but life has its ways. it has its own claws that cling to our own choices to make us feel grounded. reasons which sometimes go beyond our own understanding. even i, myself, have the brain which helps to drive my choices to the exact road i have to take even if the outcome doesn't seem acceptable.

sometimes i blame fate for bringing me to where i am not supposed to be. the truth is, my biggest enemy is myself. unconsciously, me.

i don't know how i was able to become the person i am now. not that i regret anything but i used to be a very adventurous being. i take myself one step further to which i think should my standing be. i really pushed myself forward even if it frustrates me. now? i think i took 2 steps backward, always afraid of what people will say and of what the outcome after making a decision. i guess this song is a wake up call.

i choose now to play this song everyday, absorb the message and take the actual step to make things happen. i am okay and i will be okay no matter what life will present to me. i will defy gravity even if the gravity is myself.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity

I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:

Unlimited
My future is unlimited
And I've just had a vision
Almost like a prophecy
I know - it sounds truly crazy
And true, the vision's hazy
But I swear, someday there'll be

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

why blogging?

2008-08-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

i always like writing in my diary. i always have something to say about almost everything and to just keep them in my head really suck out the best of me. why? because things get too jarred up i sometimes confuse my own self. writing them down makes me realize the points i'm trying to drive out and makes things easier for me to explain or ellaborate.

why not continue jotting everything down in my diary? i really have hideous handwriting that even my mother, who incidentally taught me how to write, screams her head off whenever i write something she couldn't understand. i know there is that threat of having the whole universe as my audience in this supposedly personal space but, hey, it will be really fun to share the best and worse in me especially with a very neat entry. no erasures. no unsightly handwriting. just pure arial font courtesy of the world wide web. (hmmm.... is this arial? i'm not really sure.)

i guess this is a great start. i'm really excited! are you? it will be fun trying to gossip about how i escape from my own reality everyday.... see ya tomorrow!