thoughts in writing

thoughts have to be written... at least for me they have to. why? because there are times they keep on bothering me. they have to be written for me to see a clearer view of what's really going on in my head. i get relieved. it's the only time i let go of them and reflect when i get the chance to read them again. It gives a bigger space for more things to ponder.

being still

there are times that i want to keep still just to think or to regain my composure but i now, i just want to stay busy as ever.

have been very busy since the start of the year because of this very important activity and i'm thankful that it has been doing good. what i'm trying to avoid now is to be still again and feel the withdrawal of all those busyness.

frankly, i don't want to stay still because i don't want to feel this certain negative feeling of loneliness.... maybe it's not loneliness... maybe there's another word of that exact thing i feel when i'm not busy.

heck! i'll just think of it when i'm done with what i'm doing now.

voices that care

My friends and I were reminiscing about our childhood years when we realized we had so many memories to talk and laugh about.

One of the incidents we remembered was way back in 6th grade, our adviser's father went missing. Of course it became the most urgent matter our teacher had to attend to even if he had an obligation with us. One of his obligation was to train us for the yearly chorale singing contest which was actually an interclass contest. Idealistic and very caring that were us, we opted to practice without him. We trained ourselves without any supervision of another teacher and went to the battle not knowing if we were indeed good enough or not.

The point was that we never backed our from it. We were up to the fight and we were not to disappoint anyone even ourselves.

We couldn't remember if we won but we know we made our adviser proud. What's more interesting was that we sang a very good song. It was VOICES THAT CARE.

Quite incidental, huh? It is a very good song.

Here, let me post the lyrics:

Lonely fear lights up the sky,
Can't help but wonder why
You're so far away.
There, you had to take a stand
In someone else's land,
Life can be so strange.
I wish we never had to choose,
To either win or lose,
That we could find a way...
But I won't turn my back again,
Your honor I'll defend
So hurry home, and 'til then...
Chorus:
Stand tall; Stand proud!
Voices that care are crying out loud.
And when you close your eyes tonight,
Feel in your heart how our love burns bright.
I'm not here to justify the cause.
Or to count up all the loss...
That's all been done before.
I just can't let you feel alone.
When there's so much love at home
We're sending out to you.
All the courage that you've known
The bravey you've shown,
Clearly lights the way.
We pray! To make the future bright,
To make the wrong things right,
Right or wrong, we're all praying you remain strong
That's why we're all here and singing along.
(repear chorus)
You are the voice
You are the light
(repeat chorus twice)

new things

Are you the type who would try new things frequently? I am like that. I have this broad interest on so many things but my problems are, first, it's always hard for me to start and, second, i'm terribly shy and conscious. there's a third. When it's really not time for me to do it, i can't do it no matter how hard i try.

I am saying this because I suddenly found myself at the kitchen cooking and baking. I used to tho these things. I hate going to the market to buy the ingredients, measuring and preparing everything and cooking. The worse part is dish washing.

That's the reason why I can't blame my cousins when they say I am the granddaughter of a very good cook yet I am hopeless in that case.

What they didn't know is that it was not the right time yet. I got frustrated all the time when I can't get things done the first time. So when i cooked before and it was not good, that was enough for me to say that cooking is not for me. But now, I have the patience, the resources, time and willingness, everything seems to go on smoothly and deliciously.

So what did i produce today? I baked oatmeal cookies.

I'm just waiting for my brother to arrive so that I can take a picture of it and paste it here. Well, hopefully, he won't get into it first before I take the picture.

privileges

I often get annoyed for being misunderstood about so many things I can't do about. Not that I am not grateful for what I am or what I have but sometimes it gets into my nerve for being blamed of something I haven't done anything.

Some friends and acquaintances always make my being "privileged" as an excuse. When they fail a certain licensure exam, I will be blamed for having a maid at home to assist me with housework. The implication is that is supposedly the reason why I passed the exam. (go figure!) When I submitted a substantial amount of work with expectations surpassed, I was told to be lucky for being a graduate of a good elementary and high school. If i get things done, they always think that someone from my family had done something to make it work.

I used to whine about being "blamed" for these things but when I told my mother about it, she laughed out loud and told me to be thankful despite of the sourgrapings I get from them.

For all the things that I am and my environment, it is because it is my privilege. It is like a gift given with special rights. She told me that even before I was born, it is already there and I can't do anything about that. That's why it is a gift.

I have stopped complaining whenever i hear similar lame rationalizations from everyone because I realized I have nothing to be guilty about. It is indeed a gift and gifts are given however the giver wants. It is beyond my control.

shift

I guess I will be telling stories starting now... stories about my journey as a person. It was not supposed to be this way when I decided to have this blog. But when I have no more outlet to spare myself from so much pain, I needed to have an avenue to, at least, relieve me from all the stresses... for my own sake.

My boyfriend of 9 years had asked for space. We're already continents away and he asked for space 2 weeks ago. I am really hurting so bad now, especially now, that it's his birthday.

I can't actually organize my thoughts to share how everything begun for both of us. It's all chaotic... full of bitter sweet thoughts.. the tugging of love and pain... of hate and apathy... I wish I'm in a better state to at least give each one of us the happiness that we both deserve.

I once heard that the most tragic thing to happen to a person is to be dead even if alive. Sadly, that's how I feel now.

dating a celebrity, part 1

believe me... no matter how civil i am in so many circumstances, i still get jumpy about hearing my favorite celebrity. the weirdest thing is that i don't know the movies he starred in, songs he sang and the television series he joined. all i know is that he's good looking, projects a very wholesome but sexy image and, well, lives a very quiet and honorable life. yes, honorable.

let me escape from reality first. if there is no thick wall that separates us from each other, how will i ever react when i, for instance, win that contest in having to date him? i know i will be speechless, be in complete awe and maybe blush from head to toe. oh my! i will definitely bring the past when i turn red, with head down and a smile that can't be stopped from appearing which i always did way back in high school. i know that this head of mine will go blank and will always agree with whatever he will be talking to me about. i go stupid sometimes, you know. sometimes my heart takes over my head even if aggghhhh! i can't even explain what or how i will react just sitting in front of him while my head's content are rushing through and through with what can actually happen. my hands can't catch up!

haaayyy.... it's not only me dreaming to win that contest. i know that it is a fact. but well, dreaming is free.... hmmm... maybe i'll blog about my ideal date with my favorite celebrity on my next entry. hmmmm.... that, i will do!